combination of modern physics and consumer protection laws leads
to a new wave of product labeling.
Due To Its Mass, This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
This Product Attracts Every Other Object in the universe, Including
the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses Divided by the Square of the Distance
The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. The Manufacturer warrants that
this product is to be used only as matter and will not be responsible
for injury or damage if it is converted into energy.
WITH CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles
Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per
NOTICE: Due to the "Uncertainty Principle," it is impossible
for the User to know precisely and simultaneously where this product
is located and how fast it is moving.
There is an Extremely Remote Chance That, Through a Process Known
as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Other Place in the
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will
Not Be Responsible for Any Damage or Inconvenience That May Result.
THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions
of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting
this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred
PRODUCT IS 100% MATTER: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion
Will Result. The Manufacturer cannot be held responsible for resulting
injury or damages.
NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Aggregate Amount of Disorder in the
Universe. Although No Liability Is Assumed Herein, the Consumer
Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to a state of "Warm
Death" of the Universe.
The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known
and Whose Adhesive Power, therefore, Can Not Be Guaranteed Indefinitely.
No responsibility is therefore assumed for the structural integrity
of this product.
Notwithstanding Any Listing of Product Contents Found Hereupon,
the Consumer is Advised That This Product Actually Consists of 99.9999999999%
GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: While the Manufacturer is Technically
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional, the Consumer
Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those
Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions
Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That
They Cannot Be Detected.
NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That, When Unobserved,
This Product May Cease to Exist or May Exist Only in a Vague and
Undetermined State. Therefore all warranties are in effect only
while this product is under the direct observation of a human being.
EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable
Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and
Competitors' Claims to the Contrary are neither Justified nor Legitimate.
WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its
Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative
to the User. The manufacturer cannot be held liable for injury or
damage resulting from relativistic mass increase.
NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe,Including This
Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence
of This Product in That Universe, and its performance and suitability
for any purpose, Cannot Be Guarantee